Are You Bad at Giving Presents?
Here’s how to give and receive the best gifts
For years, my husband (now ex-husband) gave me fancy necklaces, expensive earrings, and pretty rings. I remember his expectant face as he watched me unwrap the presents. I knew he wanted me to love what he was giving me.
But, as soon as he presented me with the boxes, my stomach tightened and I felt a familiar wave of anxiety. I know it’s not the present itself that is important, it’s the thought behind it that counts.
And that’s exactly the problem. I don’t wear jewelry. I don’t like the way it feels against my skin. On other people, it looks gorgeous. On me, it feels scratchy and I want to remove it as quickly as possible.
And, after 10 years of marriage, I thought my husband should know me well enough to know that jewelry wasn’t the right gift for me.
The only “jewelry” that I wore was my wedding ring. Ironically, he said he didn’t want to wear his wedding ring because it felt uncomfortable.
When my wedding ring was stolen by movers during our transition to California, I was heartbroken. This became the one piece of jewelry that I hoped he would buy for me. But, he never did. And I never asked him because I thought he should know.
Giving presents is an expression of love
Years before, I had a boyfriend who presented me with earrings that he had purchased for me at a science museum in Boston. They were beautiful copper earrings with Pegasus, the majestic horse with wings, chiseled into the shiny round discs.
I remember the moment he gave them to me. His lovely face was full of joy and delight. I loved the earrings, but I didn’t feel happy. I tried awkwardly to explain, but honestly, I wasn’t sure what I was trying to say.
He asked if I didn’t like them. I told him that I loved them and I loved him for being so thoughtful. It would take years before I would be able to articulate my feelings and he was long gone by then.
So, what’s the problem?
I later realized that although I appreciated the earrings (in fact, I still have them) I would have rather gone to the museum and spent time with him. The gesture was sweet but I valued being with him over material things. But, I didn’t know how to explain that to him.
Too often, we imagine that our friends, lovers, and significant others can read our minds and know exactly what we are thinking and feeling. And often, we think that we already know what someone else likes or wants.
Imagine that I decide to give you a bike. A really nice bike. You take one look at it and you’re not happy. I explain to you that it’s a special bike and it cost a lot of money. You can ride it off-road. There’s an easy way to clip in your shoes for additional comfort. And, it comes with a lot of bells and whistles!
And you’re still not pleased with it.
And then you remind me that you are a fish. Finally, I realize that no matter how nice it is, a bike is not a good present for a fish.
Sometimes, it’s that obvious. Most times it’s more challenging.
I don’t remember any particular gifts that I gave to my ex-husband. I don’t even know what he would have liked to receive. It seems strange and rather sad that after fourteen years of marriage and two children I did not know this about him.
I want to give you, my dear reader, a present
We all want to love and be loved but we don’t always know how. Here are three suggestions and I hope you will find them helpful.
- Don’t assume. You know what they say, when you assume something, you make an ass out of u and me. You also miss the opportunity to learn something of value.
- Communication. Remember the old game of Show and Tell? Change it to Ask and Tell. Ask your friend/partner what they like. You might be very surprised. And speak honestly in response. No one can read your mind.
- Learn the Five Languages of Love. Author Gary Chapman explains the five different ways that people experience and express love. If you don't understand your own love language and how it differs from your partner's, then you could both end up feeling frustrated and misunderstood.
Here are the five languages
- Words of Affirmation
- Receiving gifts
- Acts of service
- Physical touch
- Quality time
What are the best gifts?
In summary, the best gifts make people feel understood and loved. Since most of us aren’t mind readers, we need to ask the other person what would make them feel loved.
Some of us need words or physical touch to feel loved. For some spending quality time with a loved one is fulfilling and valued. Take time to learn your partner’s love language and express what makes you feel loved.
With a little effort, you can give the best gift of all, the gift of love.
I wish you many happy moments in this season of giving!
