My Ex-husband’s Wife Died and I’m Sad But I Am Not Sorry
Do I sound insensitive? Let me explain.
The story begins a little over 30 years ago. I am living in New Jersey with my husband and two children. We have just finished a major renovation of our beautiful home. We live in a lovely little neighborhood with an excellent school and best friends who feel like family. Life is good.
Two venture capitalists (VC’s) approach my husband with what I have come to see as the ultimate seduction. They initially ask for his opinion about opportunities in his field. It starts off casually but over a few months, it evolves into a full-blown affair.
After he has described his dream company, they ask him if he wants to make it a reality. Everyone is extremely excited about bringing this idea to life. The VC’s fly out to New Jersey and over exquisite wine and a lavish dinner, the official proposal is offered.
At the peak of the pitch, it turns out there is only one small obstacle between us and living happily ever after. The Venture Capitalists insist that the company must be in California. We don’t want to move.
One of the VC’s focuses his attention on my husband while the other one engages me in a conversation about the importance of financial freedom and the future of our children. Divide and conquer. Out of the corner of my eye, I see our molten lava chocolate dessert melting.
We agree to visit California and the VC’s quickly book us into a plush hotel. We bring the kids to see the fields of gold and agree to seriously consider the move. We meet real estate agents and school principals, and after looking at housing prices and school scores, we are convinced that a move to California would not be beneficial for our family.
After four days, we say no, thank you, to the VC’s.
The next day as we are driving to the airport to fly back to New Jersey, we get a phone call from the man who has been chosen to be the lawyer for the new company and his wife, Meg. (Yes, I have changed her name.)
They plead with us to give them a chance to change our minds. They want to take us out and show us what life would really be like if we stayed. I still remember the spot where I was looking out the car window when we agreed to one more day and turned around to drive back to the hotel.
That night one of the venture capitalists encourages us to go out and look at the town again. He comes over to the hotel happily taking on the duty of babysitting our children. Since the VC is also a medical doctor, I feel comfortable leaving him in charge.
He tells us that if we take this opportunity and build this company, we will never worry about money again and we need to do it for the sake of our children. Our little angels are sleeping, and we promise to consider this as we walk out of the hotel room.
Spoiler alert, he is now the owner of a venture capital firm managing over $1 billion in assets and part-owner of a major league sports team. He will later crash my husband’s company and take off with the intellectual property. And after my millions of dollars in stock become worthless and I call him on the phone, he will refuse to take my call. But on this night, I trust him so much that I leave my children in his care.
The following morning Meg, her husband, her two children, and a nanny show up. Meg is energetic, tan, and blessed with long, golden hair. She is the essence of the wild, carefree, California girl. Her husband is a bit more subdued, but they are both very enthusiastic about their mission.
My husband tells the nanny that no one is to touch anything in the hotel minibar. Meg laughs and tells the nanny that they can have anything and everything they want from the minibar. She is charmingly oppositional. I remember liking her right away.
Meg and her husband take us out to brunch, drive us around the town, and promise that we will be best friends and life will be magical! They echo the sentiment of the venture capitalists. We need to do this for ourselves and our children. We will go on this journey together and make the dream come true!
At that moment, our destiny is sealed. We say yes! Yes, to California! Yes, to the company and financial freedom! And, yes, to best friends for life!
When we get back to the hotel room, all four children and the nanny are eating giant candy bars and drinking cans of soda from the minibar. I remember thinking how much fun this was going to be!
And the next ten years are filled with lots of fun! We exercise together and cook at each other’s homes, we take trips and go on adventures. We celebrate all the children's birthdays and holidays together, and we attend her sister’s wedding at her parent’s home. We are indeed best friends in all the ways promised, until we’re not.
Wait, you might ask me, were there any red flags? Well, there were a few, let me share an example of one possibility. We attend a lot of business dinners and events together where Meg likes to play a little game. She will choose one of the women at the event and pretend that she remembers her from somewhere.
Predictably, the woman will engage in this game of trying to remember where they might have met. Meg will prolong the game until the woman politely (but falsely) agrees they must have crossed paths at a particular location wearing a certain color of clothing.
Depending on how long the game goes on and how enthusiastically the target finally gets, contributes to Meg’s assessment of how successful she was in playing the game. When I ask her why she feels compelled to engage people this way, she tells me she does it because she’s good at it. In retrospect, this probably qualifies as a red flag.
One day Meg calls me to say that she is unhappy with her husband. I tell her that we are also going through a challenging time in our marriage. She suggests that we all go out together to an upscale restaurant called Stars.
From the moment we all meet, she and her husband act as though they could not be more in love. They kiss and hug and proclaim their love for each other. The drinks keep coming and the PDA flows around us like a tsunami. I’m feeling very confused.
Meg and I talk on the phone the next day. I ask her what she and her husband have done to have rekindled their love for each other. She laughs and tells me that they are just better actors than us! She says that she has already initiated divorce proceedings and she’s going to have lunch with my husband the next day! I immediately call my husband at work.
He initially denies this is true and then finally admits that he is going to meet her but only to talk about her husband.
Meg also calls me again to tell me that this is a game to punish her husband for getting a vasectomy.
Her mother apologetically tells me that Meg has said that if she and her husband reconcile then I can have my husband back, otherwise, she will be keeping him.
Thus, begins the surreal feeling that I have just woken up in the middle of a soap opera and it continues through our separation as she counsels him on our divorce, helps him sell our home by court order to someone other than me, and gives birth to their child before my divorce is final.
Aided by our stockbroker (who I later discover handled the friends and family sale of the stock and was working to protect the company stock price), my husband’s misleading statements on our assets and a sketchy stock swap that causes my half a million shares not to be part of the swap, my dream of financial freedom has turned into a nightmare. My husband, my home, and my assets are gone.
Because we live in the same small town, we often see Meg driving around town in her Landcruiser. One day, while I am out walking with a couple of friends, she makes a U-turn and drives back toward us. She gets out of the car and starts yelling. My friends are appalled.
Finally, my now ex-husband and his new wife (my old BFF) and their new offspring move to a different country. I am a single parent raising two shell-shocked children.
Meg suggests that I get together with her ex-husband so we can keep our families together.
I think either she is progressive/enlightened/soulless/practical or something that I cannot comprehend. I decline her generous offer.
After this, she and my ex-husband refuse to communicate with me and we never speak again.
Fast forward 20 years later. They have returned to the states to live very close to our original home in New Jersey. She is diagnosed on her 60th birthday with a brain tumor. Despite extraordinary medical treatment, she passes away 6 months later.
Now, people are asking me how I feel about her death.
Well, I am shocked. She was the youngest of all of us and seemingly the healthiest. No one would have ever bet on her to die first.
Then, a wave of relief washes over me. We no longer have to worry about her chasing us down the street with an oversized vehicle.
But, then a wave of sadness comes over me. I think all the wonderful times we spent together chasing butterflies, bringing our children to see elephant seals, and singing birthday songs at our favorite restaurant together. We were similar in so many ways, people would ask if we were sisters. We were best friends and confidants.
But then I think of the disruption in our children’s lives, the betrayals and deliberate destruction, and the heartbreaking nights when no words could stop my children’s inconsolable crying. I think about how I have ended up without a home and in absolute financial ruin.
What can I say about someone who I perceive to have contributed to the devastating circumstances in my life but was also my best friend?
Well, I do not believe in the traditional scenario of burning in hellfire with the devil for eternity.
I do not believe that there is a bearded white man in the sky who keeps track of who has been good or bad on earth and like some exuberant, after-life traffic cop is directing people to heaven or hell based on their naughty or nice score.
Because of the challenges that occurred in my life, I have had opportunities to learn about a variety of spiritual philosophies and I have grown as a person and a soul.
I have met people that I wouldn’t have if my life had continued without disruption. I have had incredibly joyous moments and experiences that have enriched my life immensely. And, I am finally sitting down and writing again, something that I have been planning to do for years!
I believe she is bathing in divine love seeing the big picture and can compare her soul’s aspirations to her actual performance on earth. If there’s a reckoning and/or remorse, that’s for her to determine.
I wonder in the six months she had to contemplate her mortality if she ever thought about her choices and how they affected the other people around her.
But she’s gone now, so we will never know and it is not for me to judge.
Her death is also a reminder of the fragility of our mortality. We are not here forever. We all have an expiration date. We don’t get to choose when our time is up, but we do get to choose how to spend our time while we are here.
I’ve carried this story around for too long. I want to get it out of my head and let it go. I hope that as I release it that it may bring comfort or something of value to someone else.
With her death, there is a shift in the world. For all these reasons and for everyone who asked, I am sad about her passing, but not sorry.
